“I’ll tell you slowly later,” I comforted her. At that moment, the sound of the night watch came from outside, ringing three times.
It was already the third watch of the night. I hurriedly tidied up and returned to the bedroom with Que’er, relieved that An Jin always sleeps in the study; otherwise, I’d have less freedom.
As I entered the bedroom, before lighting a lamp, I smelled a faint hint of alcohol and paused. Que’er reacted quickly.
“My lord,” she said, nudging my elbow. “This servant will retire now.” She looked at me with anticipation before hurrying away, likely afraid I would miss this rare opportunity.
The room became pitch black, and I tentatively crossed the steps, unable to see where An Jin was. As I planned what to say to ease our increasingly cold relationship, I heard a slightly tired voice from the darkness: “Why are you always so late?”
Without thinking, I reflexively replied, “What does it matter when I’m late? You’re not here anyway.”
As soon as I spoke, I regretted it.
The words were sour and bitter, like a neglected wife in a deep chamber. Although I felt neglected, I had always prided myself on being an independent, youthful, and intelligent woman. Now, as a resentful wife, I had lost considerable dignity.
An Jin seemed satisfied with my lowered tone and let out a light laugh. I could imagine his expression; when he laughs, he pulls up one corner of his lips, his slightly upturned eyes charming yet hinting at wickedness.
Women are contradictory, loving both angels and demons. Gentle when not smiling, yet somewhat evil when laughing—how many women could resist such a man?
Later, when I played with An Jin, he finally realized that the person who had stolen his sugar cake was a girl, not a monster. However, the nickname “little monster” followed me for years until we became estranged. Whenever I thought about it, I felt a sense of melancholy.
At that moment, An Jin buried his face near my ear and called out this nickname once more. Although I knew he was acting out of drunkenness, I couldn’t help but hug him back.
“Zhuo Yi, was I wrong in the past? Can you forgive me?”
Chapter Three: My Dilemma
An Jin pushed me away slightly, still examining my face.
I lowered my head, unable to understand what he was looking at in the darkness. If he still couldn’t forgive me, I would probably have to jump into the chasm between us and hide.
He stared for a long time, and my heart hung in suspense.
“You want to make up with me?” he asked playfully. “Why?”
“We are already husband and wife. Even if you married me for revenge, we should get along and live in harmony,” I gently persuaded.
“Just because of this?” he interrupted. “If you were married to someone else, would you also get along well with him?”
I thought for a moment. “Perhaps.”
He tightened his grip. “Fine. Since we’re going to get along, I’ll stay here tonight.”
I had no objection but remembered the pain from our wedding night, causing me to shiver. He must have felt it and let out a scornful laugh. “What, are you unwilling?”
“No.” Sensing the rare peaceful atmosphere, I seized the opportunity, pushing away painful thoughts and gripping his arm. “Don’t go.”
“I’m not leaving,” his tone softened as he pulled me toward the bed. My heart raced.
The wedding night was not a pleasant memory for me, and I presumed it was the same for An Jin.
Not long after An Jin became a deputy minister in the Ministry of Personnel, he came to propose marriage. My parents, older brother, and younger sister were all happy, but I felt anxious. The An family’s betrothal gifts filled the front room, and while my mother and sister joyfully selected fine brocades and jewelry, I pulled my father aside to express my desire to refuse the marriage.
My father was surprised. He believed that An Jin and I were well-suited since we had grown up together. I didn’t disclose the real reason but said I had no romantic feelings for An Jin. Disappointed, my father respected my wishes and declined the proposal. When he returned the betrothal gifts, my mother and sister cried, wishing to keep them. This made me feel guilty.
It wasn’t a matter of not wanting to marry; we had deep-seated grievances, and An Jin’s motives were questionable.
After the refusal, An Jin gave no visible reaction. However, my family began to face strange misfortunes. My father nearly faced demotion during the annual official performance review, barely keeping his position with a reduced salary.
Then my mother, after winning some money, was robbed while returning home.
Next was my older brother, whose prospective bride suddenly refused to marry him and ridiculed him. Finally, my younger sister, who loved beautiful clothes and dreamed of meeting a refined gentleman, was humiliated at a noble girls’ gathering, becoming so discouraged that she could only sing two lines: “Even with a heart as high as the sky, how can one escape being lowly…”
I couldn’t understand why, despite my efforts to provide for the family, such misfortune would befall us.
These strange events occurred in succession, leading me to suspect something was amiss. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, I blocked An Jin’s horse and declared, “I’ll marry you. Who’s afraid?”
This bold act was celebrated by the people of Yan Feng, who praised me as the first woman in Qi’s history to pursue a husband. I resolved to go all out, embodying a bold and thick-skinned approach, and personally brought back the betrothal gifts.
My mother and sister looked at me as if I were a savior. My father sighed, walked into the study, and burned a copy of “Female Admonitions.” My older brother held my hand, saying, “Sister, I understand.”
In fact, I didn’t understand myself.
When I sat on the wedding bed after the three bows and nine kowtows, I couldn’t understand how I had ended up selling myself when I had originally come to confront him.
When An Jin lifted the veil, the captivating sight of him in red made everything clear. Since ancient times, even heroes have fallen for beauty, let alone me.
Though I understood, I couldn’t accept it. I had hurt his heart before, and using such methods to disrupt my family was despicable. After drinking the wedding wine with An Jin, I gave him a cold look, unwilling to consummate the marriage.
To my surprise, he ignored my expression. After downing the wedding wine, he blushed and began to undress me. I didn’t want to submit, but we had performed the rites and drunk the wine. Refusing now would seem overly dramatic. I struggled briefly before being laid on the bed and stripped bare, left with only a single hairpin.
I have no principles, yet I still hold some fantasies and expectations. I want to see if his body is still as white and tender as it was when he was eight years old, like a freshly steamed fine flour bun.
However, even a fine flour bun can become a torturous weapon. By the time the sharp pain arrived, it was already too late to regret. I screamed and pushed him, tears streaming down my face. He refused to retreat, covered in sweat, and gasped, “Actually, I’m in pain too. Just bear with it.”
I never believed this. If both parties are in pain, why continue this? It was obviously a lie to cover up his enjoyment of my suffering. The most despicable part was after everything ended; he stared bitterly at the blood on the bed, as if it were his own.
Fortunately, after our wedding night, he never requested intercourse again and soon moved to his study. I was relieved to escape that torture.
But today, he returned drunk, wrapped his arm around my waist, and helped me onto the bed. I felt resistant but knew it wasn’t good to disappoint him and risk cooling our recently warmed marital relationship. So, I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and let him support himself above me, licking and softly biting like a kitten.
