Dealing with Tigers

Gao Miao would sometimes come over to look, saying things like, “Your painting skills have regressed,” “It doesn’t look like me,” “Your eyes are failing you,” each painting eliciting a different critique, but I never paid attention to his words. The colors in his eyes were all muddled, nodding in a daze. The same afternoon at four, different temperatures, the same sunlight at different angles, the same hairstyle height, different facial features… You both have the same posture, the same profile, but the feelings are different. Kexuan’s face was always slightly flushed; he was easily shy but very quiet, except for that one question, “Have you memorized my face?” “Yes, it’s everywhere now.” Recalling those ambiguous days, like lyrics, accompanying you to gently touch the smoke rings to your lips, unable to express satisfaction, how can your tenderness be captured? Closer and closer yet never touching, never truly in love yet already entangled, hesitating between closeness and distance, unable to fathom those ambiguous eyes, seemingly deep yet still faint, the sky turning gray-blue, wanting to say goodbye, yet it’s not late. “Do we look alike?” “Yes.” “Most alike in profile?” “Yes.” “So I think this one looks the most like me.” Gao Miao’s fingers touched the painting, smudging the not-yet-dried paint. When I realized I had misspoken, it was too late. I grabbed his hand, but the face was already ruined. “Who is he?” “None of your business.” Suddenly, he grabbed my hand in agitation, “Who are you trying to see through me!” “Have you ever thought about what it feels like when your eyes are all blurred looking at me, but I know clearly the figure in your eyes is not me!” I broke the rules, wanting to turn my head away, but my chin was held firm, his lips about to descend… “You’ve learned to force things, Gao Miao.” A voice came from behind. Gao Miao muttered a curse, looked at me for a long time before speaking, “I’m sorry,” and let go of my hand. I seized the chance to escape, and as I passed the door, I saw the handsome doctor leaning against it. So it was him, but strangely, was it an illusion? His gaze was sour… Indeed, it’s everywhere, was that your intention when you let me draw you? I remember, I can’t forget, are you satisfied? Greedy for your hair, your face from back then, greedy for your tenderness, I’ve done all the bad things, and now I face divine punishment. You’re clearly fine now, you can see Huahua, but you won’t even call me, yes, you shouldn’t find me, you should look down on me, I’m just a mistress who holds out her hand for money.