Xu Yi watched Jin Mo depart, puzzled for a moment but quickly forgot it, brightening as he looked towards Jin Yu at the bow of the boat. Jin Yu was infatuatedly gazing at Yun Mei, her face full of flattery.
Hua Yan advised him, “Everyone thinks the eldest young lady of the Jin family is a wastrel who sometimes does bad things. You should forget about her. The madam loves you and will find you a good marriage.”
Xu Yi shook his head, “Someone so passionate can’t be a bad person. I’ve decided on her. I will only marry her.”
After that day, Jin Yu arranged another meeting with Xu Yi. Despite the previous public humiliation, he was excited, unable to sleep, and went out to see her. He wanted to be her husband in the future.
That day, Xu Yi got up early, dressed carefully, and waited at the appointed place. The weather was hot, and he almost suffered heatstroke. Hua Yan worried and advised him to leave, but he refused. Until dusk, when the sun set, he still hadn’t seen Jin Yu and finally collapsed from exhaustion.
After recovering, he wasn’t angry but worried about Jin Yu’s safety.
He didn’t listen to Hua Yan’s inquiries and insisted on seeing her personally, so he dressed carefully and went to the Jin family with Hua Yan.
Seeing Jin Yu and confirming she was fine, he was relieved. Jin Yu asked the servants to leave and told Hua Yan to go out. Hua Yan was reluctant, so Jin Yu sneered, “Don’t you want to be alone with me?”
Hua Yan eventually left. Jin Yu suddenly reached under his clothes and gripped his private parts through the fabric. Shocked, he looked at Jin Yu in confusion.
Jin Yu chuckled, “Don’t you like me? Aren’t you going to marry me?” She pushed Xu Yi down and revealed her smooth skin. His body trembled as her fingers touched him and slid into his clothes. When she slowly removed his garments, Xu Yi stopped her hand, saying, “No, I’m scared…” His body continued to tremble, tears flowing from the unfamiliar sensation.
Jin Yu pulled down his underwear and fondled him, satisfied with his moans. “Don’t you want me to love you? You’re almost mine anyway, so giving yourself to me now is nothing.”
Her words made Xu Yi’s resisting hand falter. The thought of being accepted ignited joy in his heart, making him forget his fear.
He was her person, and that was enough.
Xu Yi stopped resisting as Jin Yu pressed him to the ground, leaving shallow and deep marks on his body—mottled blue and purple. At fourteen, Xu Yi moaned in pain but felt happiness from the phrase “almost her person.”
Outside, Hua Yan heard his voice and wanted to enter, but Jin family servants blocked her. She stood anxiously outside.
When Xu Yi emerged, his clothes were disheveled, hair scattered with wet strands sticking to his face, and the red flush on his cheeks faded to pale. Hua Yan carefully arranged his clothes and supported him back as he walked unsteadily due to pain.
After returning, Xu Yi cried in Hua Yan’s arms for a long time. She cleaned his body, noticed the bruises and blood, and couldn’t help but cry too.
Xu Yi choked, “Hua Yan, it hurts so much down there, but I’m happy, yet also scared…”
“She said not to tell anyone. She wants to marry Yun Mei, needs to practice with a man, said she hates me and that I’m not worthy of her…” She took his innocence and cruelly humiliated him, crushing his hopes.
Xu Yi held Hua Yan and spoke at length, each memory causing him pain.
His body trembled, and after crying until exhausted, his voice became hoarse. Lying powerlessly on the bed, he held Hua Yan’s hand, saying, “She said I would soon be hers. Hua Yan, does that mean she would marry me? Even if she doesn’t like me, I just want to marry her, to see her often…”
As the wedding day approached, Xu Yi felt both nervous and happy, personally sewing his wedding dress. However, the engagement was mercilessly canceled. Xu Yi cried day and night, fell seriously ill, and in a daze spoke words like, “Even being a concubine would be fine. I just want to be with her… She said I would soon be hers, so how could she suddenly not want me… I love her. Who else could I marry besides her…”
The Jin family’s withdrawal of the engagement was initially opposed by the Xu family. Later, fearing Xu Yi would suffer even as a concubine, they reluctantly agreed to the cancellation, despite the Jin family’s wealth and power.
With an impure background and now rejected by the Jin family, Xu Yi became the town’s laughingstock. He faced endless mockery, afraid to go out, spending days at home, heartbroken and longing for his beloved.
Some advised him to move on, but he couldn’t help continuing to miss her.
In the eyes of society, she was a dissolute woman, but to him, she was the best.
One day, a woman claiming to be Jin Mo sought him out, expressing her desire to marry him. He refused, knowing that marrying the second young lady would provide a good life without further humiliation. Yet, his heart could only hold one person—how could he marry her sister? If he had to marry someone else, he would rather destroy himself.
Jin Mo asked, “If I become the Jin family head, would you accept me? I won’t mind your past with her.” Xu Yi’s eyes moistened as he turned away, biting his lip in silence, his body’s trembling revealing his unease. Jin Mo already knew his answer, sighing helplessly; what cannot be obtained remains unattainable.
Later, after hearing that Jin Mo had left, Xu Yi felt a complex mix of relief and sadness. As his health weakened, a doctor examined him and discovered he was pregnant. Terrified and confused, he begged the doctor to keep it a secret. The sympathetic doctor asked, “Do you want to terminate the pregnancy before anyone finds out?”
Xu Yi tightly protected his belly, shaking his head, “No, no…” The child must be kept. Even if it meant suffering like his father, he would keep the child. The doctor could only look at him sympathetically as he left.
Pregnant, Xu Yi dared not tell Jin Yu, fearing further disgust and abandonment like his mother had shown his father. He was both anxious and happy, thinking that having a child would be enough companionship.
Xu Yi began experiencing morning sickness. Caught by his mother, he and Hua Yan worked hard to conceal it, but his mother left with a poor expression, leaving him curled up in bed, crying for a long time.
One day, Xu Yi bled heavily. Frightened, he weakly protected his belly before passing out. Upon waking, he learned the child was gone. He was heartbroken.
For two years, he heard the Jin family head had been cold to Yun Mei, and grew slight hope in his despair. However, upon learning she frequently visited a young widower, his hope extinguished, leaving only a small ember. Why wouldn’t she look at him?
His mother informed him she had arranged a marriage for him next spring. Xu Yi panicked again; he would rather destroy himself than marry another.
Holding onto his last hope, Xu Yi shamefully sought out Jin Yu, who hadn’t returned home for a night. Worried and heartbroken, he thought there was still hope when Jin Yu asked about his marriage prospects but was ultimately rejected.
Xu Yi encountered the Cloud Young Master, now Cloud’s proper wife, expressing envy. Yun Mei, in turn, expressed envy for Xu Yi. They wished they could exchange places, but it remained an unattainable “if.”
Heartbroken, he overheard intimate activities at the beauty house. He begged his mother for help but was still to be married to the Miao boss.
Even knowing the result, Xu Yi wanted to try again, seeking either success or peace. Despite his despair, he aimed to find a glimmer of light and resist falling into darkness.
