Unknowingly, it was already the third watch of the night. I hurriedly tidied up and returned to the bedroom with Que’er. Fortunately, An Jin always sleeps in the study; otherwise, how would I have so much freedom?
Just as I entered the bedroom, before lighting a lamp, I paused at the faint hint of alcohol. Que’er behind me had already reacted.
“My lord,” she said, nudging my elbow. “This servant will retire now.” She looked at me with anticipation before quickly walking away.
The room was suddenly pitch black, and I tentatively crossed the steps, unable to see clearly where An Jin was.
As I planned what to say to ease our increasingly cold relationship, I heard a slightly tired voice from the darkness: “Why are you always so late?”
Without thinking, I reflexively replied, “What does it matter when I’m late? You’re not here anyway.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I regretted them. The words were sour and bitter, like a neglected wife in a deep chamber.
Although I was neglected, I had always prided myself on being an independent and intelligent woman. Now, I had lost considerable dignity.
An Jin, however, seemed satisfied with my lowered tone and let out a light laugh. When he laughs, he habitually pulls up one corner of his lips, charming yet with a hint of wickedness.
Women are contradictory creatures, loving both angels and demons. Gentle and elegant when not smiling, yet somewhat evil when laughing – how many could resist such a man?
Later, when I played with An Jin, he realized that the person who had stolen his sugar cake was actually a girl, not a monster. However, this nickname “little monster” followed me for many years until we gradually became estranged, and I never heard it again. Whenever I thought about it, I felt a sense of melancholy.
At this moment, An Jin buried his face near my ear and called out this nickname once more. Although I knew he was acting out of drunkenness, I couldn’t help but hug him back.
“Zhuo Yi, was I wrong in the past? Can you forgive me?”
Chapter Three: My Dilemma
An Jin pushed me away slightly, seemingly still examining my face. I lowered my head, unable to understand what he was looking at in this darkness.
If he still couldn’t forgive me after saying all this, I would probably have to jump into the deep chasm between us and hide.
He stared for a long time, and my heart hung in suspense for just as long.
“You want to make up with me?” he spoke, his voice somewhat playful. “Why?”
“We are already husband and wife. Even if you married me for revenge, the fact remains. We might as well get along well, live in harmony…” I persuaded gently.
“Just because of this?” he interrupted impatiently. “If you were married to someone else right now, would you also get along well with him?”
I thought for a moment and answered honestly. “Perhaps.”
He tightened his grip. “Fine. Since we’re going to get along, I’ll stay here tonight.”
I had no objection, but remembering the pain from our wedding night, I involuntarily shivered. He was very close to me and must have felt my tremor, letting out a scornful laugh. “What, you’re unwilling?”
“No.” Sensing the rare peaceful atmosphere, I seized the opportunity, pushing away thoughts of pain and gripping his arm. “Don’t go.”
“I’m not leaving,” his tone suddenly softened, and the arm around my waist pulled me towards the bed. My heart raced, and I could barely catch my breath.
Not long after An Jin became a deputy minister in the Ministry of Personnel, he personally came to propose marriage.
My parents, older brother, and younger sister were all very happy, and no one understood why I was anxious. An family’s betrothal gifts filled the front room. My mother and sister laughed joyfully, selecting fine brocades and exquisitely crafted jewelry, but I pulled my father aside and told him I wanted to refuse the marriage.
My father was surprised. He had thought that having grown up together, An Jin and I were well-suited, but he didn’t expect me to be unwilling to accept this marriage. I didn’t reveal the true reason, only saying I had no romantic feelings for An Jin and thus didn’t want to marry him. Though disappointed, my father respected my wishes and declined the proposal to An Jin. When my father returned the betrothal gifts to the An family, my mother and sister cried while clinging to the rosewood chest, wishing they could be sent along with it. The scene made me feel quite guilty.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to marry, but we had deep-seated grievances, and his motives for proposing were far from pure.
After refusing the proposal, An Jin seemed to have no reaction. However, my family began to encounter strange misfortunes. First, my father nearly got demoted during the annual official performance review, barely keeping his position with a reduced monthly salary. Then my mother was robbed while returning home, causing a tremendous uproar.
Next was my older brother, whose prospective bride suddenly refused to marry him and ridiculed him. Finally, my younger sister, who loved beautiful clothes and dreamed of meeting a refined gentleman, was humiliated while secretly attending a noble girls’ gathering. She became so discouraged that she could only sing two lines: “Even with a heart as high as the sky, how can one escape being lowly…” while casting me resentful glances.
I couldn’t understand why, despite my efforts to provide for the family, such misfortune would befall us.
These strange events occurred in succession, and I couldn’t help but suspect. Finally, unable to bear it any longer, I blocked An Jin’s chestnut horse and shouted, “I’ll marry you. Who’s afraid?”
This bold act was widely celebrated by the gossip-loving people of Yan Feng, who praised me as the first woman in Qi’s history to actively pursue a husband. I decided to go all out, personally bringing back the betrothal gifts.
My mother and sister looked at me as if I were a savior. My father sighed, walked into the study, found a copy of “Female Admonitions”, and burned it in the fire. My older brother held my hand sympathetically, saying emotionally, “Sister, I understand.”
In fact, I didn’t understand myself.
When I was sitting on the wedding bed after the three bows and nine kowtows, I still hadn’t figured out how I had ended up selling myself when I had originally come to confront him.
When An Jin lifted the veil, and that spring-like, proud young man in red entered my vision, I suddenly understood everything. How captivating his appearance was! Since ancient times, even heroes have fallen for beauty, let alone me?
Although I understood, it didn’t mean I could accept it. Even though I had hurt his heart before, causing his resentment, using such methods to disrupt my family was truly despicable. So after drinking the wedding wine with An Jin, I gave him a cold look, expressing my unwillingness to consummate the marriage.
Little did I know, he completely ignored my expression. After drinking the entire wedding wine in one go, he took advantage of the alcohol, blushing as he began to undress me. Honestly, I didn’t want to submit to him. However, we had already performed the wedding rites, received the gifts, and drunk the wine. Refusing now would seem overly dramatic. So I struggled symbolically before being laid on the bed and stripped bare.
Well, I have no principles, and there are still some fantasies and expectations in my heart.
However, even a fine flour bun can become a torturous weapon. Unfortunately, I realized this too late. By the time the sharp pain came, it was already too late to regret. I screamed and pushed him, my tears came out in pain. Yet he refused to retreat, covered in sweat, continuing forward, and didn’t forget to gasp and say something I still remember vividly.
“Actually, I’m in pain too. Just bear with it.”
