Dealing with Tigers

I was stopped at the checkpoint, unable to hear what he was saying as he looked at my PASSPORT. This officer had never heard of Macao, China… After a while, the officer smiled awkwardly and said, “HAVE A GOOD TRIP,” then called a SECU to escort me out of the airport and hailed a taxi for me. I thanked him reluctantly, then turned to tell the driver my aunt’s address, fearing that if I delayed any longer, I wouldn’t even have the strength to get out of the car. We arrived, and it was still as quiet as ever. The kind-hearted driver offered to carry my luggage, but I refused. After paying, he gave me a glance, picked up my bags, and insisted on helping me to the front door. I knocked, and heard the sound of wooden slippers shuffling inside, and smiled with satisfaction. It was Aunt. The door opened to a familiar face, but before I could see the surprise on it, I collapsed. I’ve always had a clear understanding of myself; I never fantasized about being a strong person because I knew I was too ordinary. Without money, I would die, so I sought it out. If I fell ill without anyone to care for me, it might lead to a double corpse scenario, so I came here, as it was the only place I could go. Aunt told me to settle here. To be honest, I was very tempted; it’s quiet here, work ends at three in the afternoon, and people live a life free from worldly strife. When guests arrive, they light a large tray of candles at the door to welcome them; if you leave something valuable on the balcony, it would still be there when you remember it days later. Behind Aunt’s house is a small grove where families often picnic on weekends, and small animals from the woods often wander into the yard. You wouldn’t be surprised to see a rabbit or a sika deer at your feet… This was the kind of life my mother longed for, the life Aunt lived, and indeed, I envied it too, but we all knew it wasn’t our life. People here respect the Chinese because they see us as intelligent and diligent, and they finish work by three in the afternoon. Chinese people living here are mostly wealthy, but there are very few, as immigrating to Sweden isn’t easy. Walking on the street, I’m like a rare animal, especially to the local kids who stare wide-eyed at my long, black hair… Long hair, it’s been so long. My fame might have waned, which is why I received an invitation from a lesser-known fashion brand to do a simple stage show. Their ready-to-wear collection didn’t need any embellishment; I even felt it was superfluous. However, I heard the designer was a Chinese-American beauty, and I was willing to serve beauty. The stage was set, everything was ready, just waiting for tomorrow night’s launch event. Tonight, there’s a customary pre-celebration. The noisy party was alien to me; they were dressed up, and I was casual. Standing alone by the large floor-to-ceiling window, the darkness outside turned the glass into a mirror, reflecting a woman. I combed through my disheveled long hair with satisfaction, my pale face and seductive lipstick, wondering if he would recognize me. I wore a cream-colored vest and a long turquoise skirt, with espadrilles on my feet. Someone asked if I was going to the beach, but there was no beach here. I smiled and said I could fly there. He might have thought I was joking, “May I have the honor of accompanying you?” “I’m sorry.” “Oh, I’m so sorry. Then, may I have this dance?” “I’m sorry, I’m waiting for someone.” “He must be a lucky man.” He raised his glass to me and then merged back into the crowd. A lucky man? Not necessarily. I touched the pearl hanging at my collarbone and continued to look at my reflection. I seemed to have grown taller; Aunt said I looked more like my mother, and it was true. He arrived with our beautiful designer. My intuition was always right. He was still dazzling, drawing everyone’s attention. We locked eyes across the crowd, his gaze sometimes dangerous, sometimes fierce, still so full of himself. I turned and left the party. Han Wei was waiting at the door; I took the hotel key from him and went up alone. I opened the most expensive bottle of wine and took a large gulp, the strength of it twisting my face. But before my face could turn red, the wine was snatched from my hand… so fast? I was forced to turn and face him… “Hi…” I managed an awkward smile after a long silence, only to utter that single word. There was no response; he just held my face, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t understand, but what was he looking at? I knew it wasn’t me he was seeing. His rough fingers wiped my lips, staining his fingertips red, “It’s no use,” he said, “What do you think this can hide?” “How can you do this to yourself, to me? Must you ruin yourself?” “I haven’t done anything to you; whether this body is good or not is my business, not yours.” “Not my business!” He started yelling again, almost breaking my arm. I winced in pain, looking at him with irritation, and he let go. For a moment, I thought I saw him smiling bitterly, looking more pained than me… “Alright, I didn’t come to argue about these trivial matters.” “Then what do you want to say?” “Nothing much, I just wanted to see you…” His lips finally curved into a smile, he embraced me, whispering seductively in my ear, “Come back with me, see me every day, stop wandering around…” Tears seeped out slowly, weakly, yet uncontrollably… Your words can only push me to the brink, so stop… Do you know why I wanted to see you? “Don’t speak,” his voice was low, and darkness fell… At four in the morning, I woke up in his arms, so tight, I suddenly felt like he had rejuvenated, childish like a boy. I struggled out of bed, dressed. The wind was picking up outside; I wrapped my shawl around me and closed the window a bit. This was the most familiar routine; Er Yu would always wake up for milk at this time, and I had unknowingly gotten used to this hour, to these actions. Quietly, I walked to the bedside. He finally opened his eyes, though I knew he had been awake for a while. Now, he was coldly watching me, devoid of any emotion, as if merely opening his eyes. “What do you plan to do?” I asked politely. “I know you’ve changed a lot, maybe too much freedom,” he said, sitting up and leaning against the headboard to smoke. He gestured for me to sit, and I complied. He sneered, “Whenever you’re obedient, it never bodes well for me.” “Let me be frank, you can’t leave. Every time I find you, I respect your choice, but today, since you’ve chosen to meet me, don’t expect me to let you go again.” “Why not?” “Don’t say you don’t know!” “I know, isn’t it just to keep me by your side? But if I insist on leaving, what will you use to threaten me this time? My aunt?” “Liu Yixia, you’re heartless.” Indeed, that was the case. “Or perhaps you should understand something. You can abuse me, but you can’t distrust me—have you noticed? When we’re together, we only end up covered in bruises. He leaned forward, his fingers hooking my necklace to pull me closer, “Covered in bruises? After these two years, what does that count for?” In the darkness, I could still clearly see his deep, swirling black pupils… Perhaps, it really meant nothing, so it was time to end it. I unhooked the necklace and let it dangle in his hand. “Here, take it back, I should go.” I stood up, not daring to look at him again, and walked straight to the door. “Why?” “It’s for your own good. I’ve always believed that.” “You want to forget me.” “Yes.” “And what about Li Kexuan? Will you let yourself forget him?” “No.” … In a world of just the two of us, then silence, except for the sound of a door opening and closing. At the airport, I saw my aunt’s anxious figure; she was holding my child in a conspicuous corner of the coffee shop. Upon seeing me, she stood up, relieved, and waved. “What’s so urgent that you couldn’t even tell your aunt? I waited until one in the morning with no call from you, so I prepared everything as you instructed—when did you book the tickets?” “In any case, I haven’t broken any laws. Can we talk about it later?” “You all do this, never telling me anything until it’s too late, and then it’s all gone…” “…I’m sorry.” That’s all I could say. Little Piggy, Er Yu, was still asleep. I pushed the stroller towards the boarding gate, thinking that when he opened his eyes, he should see the dazzling sunlight of the bay. “Liu Yixia,” someone called out, or was it an illusion? I continued walking… “Liu Yixia, stop right there!” >< !!! “Qi Yufeng, don’t shout my name in public, I’m trying to be low-key!” I turned around and scolded, feeling the gazes from all directions converging on the two chattering Asians… “Come here.” “No.” I kept moving forward. I knew he wanted to kill me right then, but there was a security checkpoint between us, and the boarding gate was ahead. “You know, no matter where you go, I will find you, as long as I don’t let go.” “That’s why I told you not to look for me anymore! Let’s not see each other again! How many times do I have to say it for you to understand!” “I will never understand these words! You want to forget me, isn’t it because you’re still fantasizing about Li Kexuan! What can I blame? I should have forgotten you, this heartless woman, but, I love you! I’ve fallen in love with you, this crazy woman! How can I forget?” “From the moment you appeared before me, your heart was only for him, perhaps forever, but I’ve stopped caring. Come back, okay?” “Marry me.” I saw the ring he held up high. Maybe I could never fill that tiny hollow, perhaps I should cut off my ring finger to claim it. But it never belonged to me. “See?” I turned Er Yu towards him, “He comes from you, but in my heart, he belongs to Kexuan. Those two months with you, and all that money, were all for him. I have two Kexuans in my heart now. Can you accept that I bore your child for another man? Can you accept spending every day with a woman like me, and a child like this? Can you? I can’t. I don’t want you to live like this. I’ve been selfish for too long, can’t I be noble just this once?” Seeing his face crumble as he looked at Er Yu, seeing his hands drop helplessly as he looked at me, seeing his feet step back, seeing his eyes lose color… I didn’t want it to be like this, but this was the only way. There was no “goodbye”; this was a farewell without a future. Some things I might never say. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t leave. What’s the use of looking back? I’ve destroyed my own path here with my own hands, watched it crumble, there’s no turning back. For example, I also love you. For example, when life gives you something to hold onto, many things can’t pull you down from mid-air anymore, you can only linger in this struggle, very tired, very tired… Maybe one day, I’ll overwork to death. Countless mornings, I’ve grown used to waking up for no reason, used to crying silently, then drinking large glasses of water. At first, I thought of some people, some things, some stories fading into pale red… Later, it seemed like I couldn’t remember anything anymore, I just got used to curling up in bed at this time every day, watching the dim light on the floor change colors, crying as I grew accustomed to a melancholic unawareness. It was like returning to that introverted girl who lost her family, walking back and forth on the damp streets, going to school, coming back, letting the cold mist ruin her, getting sick, then fending for herself… Until someone always brought an umbrella for her, took her under it when it rained… Until she learned to hold an umbrella for herself… Until she knew, when it rains, you must hold an umbrella. Until a little voice called out “Mom” in a dream, then she realized, everything was over, wasn’t it? I rented a simple white house not far from the sea, pushing Er Yu’s stroller every morning under the dim streetlights to the beach to wait for the sunrise. Carefully holding him, waiting slowly, the sea gently came and went, leaving soft fine sand on my bare feet… The light rising from the horizon chased away the grey-blue, then my Er Yu woke up. We are all children on the beach; I hope Er Yu’s childhood is always filled with sunshine and sea breeze. Therefore, I chose this place, I returned here, to the little bay once filled with the drifting seeds of dandelions. I live through the ordinary days ordinarily, and before I know it, I’ve forgotten how time has passed. I just go with the flow. Playing with Er Yu, basking in the sun, working, eating, sleeping, shopping… Then, one day, everything was shattered by a man…