Layers of Healing

“What are you doing here?” He was holding a cup of milk tea and an éclair, and said with a wry smile, “Aren’t you supposed to have a class first period? It’s almost time for the second class to end now.” “What?!” I exclaimed. I lost my phone and didn’t notice my old alarm clock was hours slow. We sat on a bench in the garden outside the apartment. Although the weather had turned cooler, the sunlight was deceptively pleasant. I ate the milky éclair one bite after another, almost in a daze, watching Monster. He had been waiting for me in front of the apartment building with this breakfast since early morning, waiting until now, until all the food had gone cold. He watched me eat in such a disheveled manner and asked with a smile, “Why couldn’t I get through to your phone?” “The phone? Uh, it fell into the toilet when I was in the bathroom.” His beautiful big eyes widened instantly, like a child watching Captain Ford being chased by a crocodile, his expression quite adorable. “Can you really live independently in this world?” he asked, shaking his head with a laugh. “What?! Don’t underestimate me, I, Xiao Wei, am not to be messed with!” “Xiao Wei?” Oops, in my pride, I had accidentally revealed too much. “Is that your nickname?” he asked, “Last time during ‘The Great Car Chase,’ you kept calling yourself Xiao Wei.” “Yes, yes, it’s my nickname, but you’re not allowed to call me Xiao Wei, I prefer Xiao Yu.” “Oh, is that so? Xiao Yu also has things she doesn’t like to tell others, right?” He speculated, but his smile was as warm as the sunlight. I elbowed him in the side, changing the subject, “Don’t talk nonsense, confess, why are you here so early and being so attentive?” I said, taking a big bite of the delicious éclair. Hmm, this one’s chocolate flavored. “I came to apologize.” “Oh, using food to attack my stomach, quite clever.” “So, are you not angry anymore?” he asked, looking handsome as he furrowed his brows. It seemed like he was saying, you should be angry, that’s the only way my apology would mean something. I didn’t get angry after all this time waiting, how unfair is that? “Last night’s rehearsal went well, everyone dragged us out to celebrate, I asked Yida to find you, but after dealing with some things, I dragged Axin over, then… Axin’s attitude was off, don’t be mad at him, he didn’t mean it, in fact…” Monster sighed, and a hint of age suddenly appeared on his youthful face, I noticed the laugh lines at the corners of his eyes. People with laugh lines are often a bit pessimistic, I thought. “In fact, although the performance was successful, the band doesn’t think so, right?” I continued. “How did you know?” “I could tell from Yida.” I remembered the host mentioning it was SEA’s first comeback performance. “Yes, SEA is going to disband.” “But didn’t they just come back?” “But the old feeling is gone, we all miss the old SEA, but after last night’s performance, everyone vaguely realized that SEA could never come back.” What kind of feeling was that? I couldn’t quite understand. But hearing Monster’s tone, filled with faint sorrow and helplessness, I knew they had to let go, perhaps of what they once cherished most. “You guys must have many stories you don’t like to share with outsiders, right?” I said. “It’s not that we don’t want to share, it’s just we don’t know where to start.” Monster said sincerely, and I suddenly felt embarrassed, ashamed of my own suspicion and weakness, which was a major flaw. “What about Xiao Yu?” Monster suddenly turned the conversation towards me. I raised my milk tea, “Monster’s milk tea is really good, Xiao Yu loves it.” I hugged a hot water bag, hiding under the covers, lying on the bed, copying notes filled with bizarre shapes, feeling so frustrated I could eat twenty Big Macs in one go. “Xiao Yu, phone!” Qiqi said hurriedly, ready to go shopping with Ah Yao. Someone was calling me? No way, someone like me, with no fixed abode and hardly any fixed friends, actually has a call? Well, it’s nice to have a call on a lonely weekend night to keep me company. “Hello!” “Xiao Yu.” A male voice, familiar beyond familiarity, came from the other end of the line. “Brother Kunda!!!” I shrieked. I bet he’s rubbing his ears and frowning on the other side. “How have you been recently?” “Brother Kunda, I miss you all so much.” I held the phone, too excited to know what to say, “Any news about my sister?” Even though I knew it was a pointless question, I asked. I heard laughter on the other end, then he said, “I went to Nantes, France.” “Really? Any changes there? Is the Banana Café still there? Did you go to the Fool’s Wharf to watch the sailors set sail? Have you seen the angel statue with four breasts and two pairs of wings at the city square?…” When it came to Nantes, I couldn’t stop talking, the old Xiao Wei was back. … … Speaking of Brother Kunda, it’s a long story. After her nightmare in France, my sister returned to China, to this city, and met Brother Kunda. She came back from France battered and bruised, bearing betrayal and humiliation, to a place both familiar and alien. In this completely strange environment, she lived quietly until Brother Kunda appeared, the second man in her life. Not only Kunda, but also Brother TORO, and the family and friends around Kunda, she met a group of sincere people. I don’t know how Kunda melted that long scar in my sister’s heart. When I finally found out where she was after much hardship, when I was ready to face her and seek her forgiveness, I couldn’t accept the fact that she was with Kunda. I cried out to her shadowy figure, “How could you betray LEI? LEI’s gone, and you’ve abandoned him, how could you fall in love with another man? How could you?!! You were the woman LEI loved the most, you should love him for a lifetime!!” … It was such a terrible thing to say, even now, I can’t believe those words came out of my mouth! With such a shrill cry, I must have been out of my mind, I deserve to die!! I drove my sister away again, I was wrong again. I always judged the world from my own perspective. She left so completely, leaving me with no chance to apologize again. I hurt her time and time again. I wish I were her!!