“Tired, Xiao Yu?” Yi Da asked, his voice very gentle, a gentleness that was somewhere between Monster’s enthusiasm and Ah Xin’s brashness, making it somewhat inscrutable. I nodded, “But we still need to go back and study, otherwise, we won’t make it… I wonder if the flashlight still has batteries, otherwise, it’ll be troublesome after lights out.” “Then let’s not go back.” Yi Da suddenly stopped, smiling faintly, so faintly that it was hard to tell if he was actually smiling. We stopped too, turning to look at him. Yi Da always walked at the back, his shoulders perennially slender. On his clean, pretty face was a mature smile. “Come to our place.” He said. I could clearly feel the atmosphere around us change abruptly. It was as if Yi Da had said something he shouldn’t have, breaking an ancient spell. The playful mockery on Ah Xin’s face was gone, replaced by a look of solemnity, an expression I had seen somewhere before. “Our place,” where is that? The three of us faced Yi Da alone. He came over, took my hand, and smiled, “Let’s go.” It was like that night at the subway station when he took my hand and said something as simple as “Let’s go,” then turned and told me that happiness was simple, as simple as a smile. But, is Yi Da happy now? Your hand is so cold that when I touch your fingertips, I can’t help but shiver. Your expression is warm, your nails are icy, Yi Da, you’re a child without warmth. You turned, pulling me along, your shoulders under the white jacket made me want to hug you tightly. My hand in Yi Da’s palm remained without warmth. I unconsciously frowned; I don’t like frowning because it adds a wrinkle after 20,000 times. The plot was jumping, leaving me, the onlooker, a bit confused, yet unsure if I should change the channel. Ah Xin quickly stepped in front of Yi Da, blocking his way. How to describe his expression? — No warmth? Yes, that description fits. “Don’t go.” Ah Xin said coldly. “Why not?” Yi Da still smiled, gripping my hand tighter. “She doesn’t belong there.” “Who does belong there, I’m afraid you’ve forgotten.” Yi Da’s smile spread slowly from the corner of his mouth, stunning me. This Yi Da made me want to pull my hand from his grip. “I won’t forget.” Ah Xin’s face was resolute, as if he would persist even if his wound was reopened, this expression… I remembered it. At the Time Hall, I first saw them argue; Yi Da mocked: Are you scared? Ah Xin threw away his sheet music, jumped off the stage, and walked straight out. Are you scared? Ah Xin, do you have fears too? “But Xiao Yu is our friend too.” Yi Da turned to look at me, I snapped my gaze back from Ah Xin to Yi Da, tonight, he had a hint of, aggression? Does the gentle Yi Da also have such firm, candid moments? Friend is a strange word, Yi Da aimed his spear at me as if he saw through me. Does he know I’m wavering about the solidity of our friendship? “Yi Da.” I didn’t know why I called out his name; I wanted to call back the boy who hummed a strange melody to me at the subway station, simple and natural, like his clean, elegant face. “Kang Xi, Xiao Xuan!” Monster’s voice came from behind. I was momentarily distracted, seeing Ah Xin’s expression slightly soften over Yi Da’s hair: “Kang Xi,” he paused, “Xuan.” Xuan wore a cute yet ladylike woolen hat, a snow-white plush coat, and silver-white boots accentuating her stunning legs, like an angel from the clouds. She quickly scanned us, probably guessing our standoff in those 3 seconds, and smiled: “Xiao Yu, I bought some hotpot ingredients, just came out from self-study, must be starving, right? We can have hotpot for a late-night snack.” She took the plastic bag from Kang Xi, lifting it. The cold night wind, the inexplicable argument, hotpot, slices of lamb, the sesame paste. I couldn’t help but want to rush over and hug her, kiss her hard, saving me at this critical moment, sparing me from an awkward situation, and providing such a perfect excuse. I nodded vigorously, pulling my hand free from Yi Da’s, “Okay, let’s go, Senior Sister Xuan, let’s go to the dorm. Boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ dorm, so you guys can see us off here, see you tomorrow.” Without waiting for a response, I pulled Senior Sister Xuan towards the dormitory. “Bye, Zhou Yu, loved by all!” Kang Xi’s sweet voice hit my spine, making my nerves twitch. When Senior Sister Xuan and I entered the dormitory, it was exactly 11 o’clock, and the bright dormitory suddenly plunged into darkness, accompanied by collective screams from behind the doors. The dim light in the corridor set a nice mood. But, hotpot? I couldn’t help but glance sideways at the full bag of ingredients. We ascended the stairs in silence, our steps overlapping. Kang Xi and Xuan, Ah Xin, Monster, and Yi Da. Weren’t they a band? How have they now split into two groups, only greeting each other occasionally when they meet? Was SEA’s dissolution because of a woman? Tonight’s questions were too many, forming an N-variable equation set, unsolvable. Or with infinite solutions.
“Xiao Yu,” she suddenly smiled, “the story is about to reach its climax.” With the smile of a victor, like the most beautiful and seductive witch, she gave me the prophecy from the Tarot cards. She hinted at it time and again, and I vaguely felt that something was indeed about to happen. Whether it was good or bad didn’t matter because my heart was empty, and perhaps it didn’t matter whether it was good or bad anymore. But, was my heart truly empty? As I turned to walk towards my dormitory, hearing the sound of her high-heeled boots fade at the stairwell, I couldn’t help but ask myself this question. When I opened the door to my room, it was pitch black. Although I had anticipated darkness, my eyes still recoiled slightly. But ultimately, I couldn’t escape the enveloping darkness because it was all-pervasive. “I’m back,” I said.
…
At midnight, feeling utterly exhausted yet unable to sleep, I was troubled by things I wanted to know but didn’t. I got up, and in the darkness, I began to trim my toenails. Honestly, I had never cut my nails in such darkness before. What was wrong with me? I couldn’t help but ask myself again.
…
The Old Mother Goddess was incessantly recounting how East Germans once hid inside split suitcases to smuggle themselves into West Germany. I was scribbling aimlessly on my blueprints, wondering where Yi Da wanted to take me last night? What kind of place was this “Our Place” that caused Ah Xin to react so vehemently? This question occupied my thoughts for 40 minutes after I finished trimming my toenails at dawn. I didn’t know why I was so fixated on this. The question was unsolvable; I dismissed it. Was it our school’s air-raid shelter? Or some biochemical lab? Could it be a human skeleton decomposition room? I drew “secret maps” on my blueprints, full of twists and turns, setting up numerous traps, and then, as the bell rang for the end of class, I wrote at the bottom in regular script: “Confidential Document, Treasure Map of Renfu, Gifted to the Ambitious Youth.” As everyone rushed out of the classroom and clogged the hallway, I tore off a strip of double-sided tape and firmly attached my secret map inside the desk drawer. I felt quite accomplished. Looking up, I found Yi Da standing right in front of me. I was so absorbed in my mischief that I often overlooked witnesses nearby.
“What are you doing?”
“Doing what I should be doing.”
“You’re thinking about last night, aren’t you?” Yi Da said.
“How did you know?” It wasn’t easy to read my mind.
“Do you want to go?” Ah, he was tempting me?
“Yes,” I said. If Ah Xin knew, would she be angry? It didn’t matter. Men should get angry more often; anger expands the heart.
