“You…” She didn’t let go, speaking urgently: “I’m truly sorry!”
“Sorry for what? You didn’t do anything wrong.” He gently removed her hand, softly kissing her forehead, then stood up:
“Good night, sleep well. I’ll check your bruises tomorrow.” Preventing himself from harboring inappropriate expectations, he resolutely strode out of the room that was once their newlywed bedroom.
Only after the door silently closed did Xiao Susu’s tears fall again. She didn’t know why her heart suddenly ached, just like the unbearable pain when her parents died.
She didn’t know if this was love, or merely her dependency speaking, but now she finally understood that regardless of her feelings toward him, she had invested too much hope, yearning for his embrace, his support, never wanting him to let go of her hand.
She didn’t want to return to days filled with emptiness and despair. Living in this world must mean having something in one’s heart, being needed by others, right? Living passionately each day with some expectation.
She had never dared to hope for anything, always obediently enduring without considering whether she could desire something, demand what she was willing to bear, and even refuse instructions forcibly given to her because she disliked them.
She wanted him! Though unclear exactly what she wanted—perhaps tenderness, perhaps love—he was unaware.
What could she do? What could she possibly do? Perhaps he no longer wanted to waste time on her!
Recalling the past seven years, she desperately regretted repeatedly missing opportunities, though not intentionally. When he tried to offer his heart, hoping she would accept, she only panicked, mistaking him for a bad person and unintentionally trampling his feelings. Now, he might have already given his heart to another woman who knew how to love and respond to him.
Remorse and self-loathing overwhelmed her. She covered her face, tears flowing between her fingers—punishment she deserved.
Who taught her to always miss opportunities, walking with the most uncoordinated steps, repeatedly receiving heartache…
Flowers bloom out of season, wind blows yet flowers remain unaware. Each heartbroken, swept into merciless flowing light, what can sighs resolve?!
At 4:30 AM, Dufei Fan’s dying voice came through the phone: “If you want him, go pursue him. If you feel you’ve crushed his heart, carefully pick up the pieces and mend them. If you feel you’ve let him down, compensate. It’s not complicated, just chase him. I… I’m going to sleep, don’t say I’m not… enough… of a… friend… beep…”
Xiao Susu, sleepless all night, hung up the phone. Exhausted but unable to sleep, she finally forced herself into the bathroom to shower. Seeing her pale face and swollen eyes in the mirror, she looked as haggard as she had in months. She thought changing her lifestyle would make things better, that she wouldn’t cry until dawn anymore.
Unless one chooses not to feel, no one can escape being controlled by emotions, with sudden shifts between sorrow and joy.
Could she? Could she bravely pursue what she wanted in her heart?
Was she capable? Would she succeed? Would she actually get the response she hoped for?
Wasn’t it someone who said: “I might not succeed by trying, but if I don’t even try, failure is guaranteed.”
Warm water continuously caressed her delicate body as she stared at her reflection. She suddenly understood something: in recent months, what Dufei Fan had done was merely help her abandon her excessive closed-off heart, willing to open up and accept more people and things. But she was still stuck at “accepting”, mistakenly believing she had changed and become a normal person.
She had never learned to take initiative, never actively done anything, because she never knew what she wanted, and had no desires.
After carefully translating the text, here is the English version:
After all, Tang Hua had provided her with such a comfortable life, lacking nothing, with everything taken care of for her, she had never experienced the feeling of “deprivation”.
Until today, discovering an emptiness in her heart, so cold and painful that it made her shiver, she finally understood what “need” meant; realizing the torment and helplessness when one has desires, and not knowing what to do. This was no longer a situation where she could simply sit and wait for someone to present her with choices. She had hurt him too deeply, and he would probably never again do something after being rejected.
Measuring his past suffering with her own heart, she dared not even imagine how heartbroken she would be if she tried to pursue Tang Hua’s heart and was rejected, yet she had spent years doing exactly that to him!
If he did not accept her, it would be what she deserved to endure. But she must do it, even if the outcome was heartbreak, because she owed him too much, and because she wanted to become a normal person, with give and take, no longer passively waiting for others to act.
This was true change.
Although it was difficult and she didn’t know where to start, she decided not to let every “tomorrow” become a meaningless word identical to today.
“I… I want to know if you’re free today,” she asked courageously, finally voicing the words she had rehearsed dozens of times in her mind.
Tang Hua raised his eyebrows, not without surprise that Suo Suo would take the initiative to ask him a question. Usually, if she had something on her mind, she would wait until someone asked before speaking.
“I have nothing on today,” he said casually, folding the newspaper and placing it in a corner of the dining table, waiting to see what she would say.
“Then… would you… um… accompany me to watch a movie?” She had finally taken the first difficult step. Her serious expression gradually relaxed with relief, returning to her usual calm demeanor. But during the wait for his response, her heart secretly tightened.
He looked at her, his eyes adding a layer of contemplation:
“Are there any good movies recently that would make you want to go out and watch?”
Was this an agreement or a rejection? Suo Suo was very anxious, but fortunately, he seemed to be in a good mood, so her courage did not disappear, though her hands were unconsciously clasped tightly, turning pale.
“The TV reported that ‘Titanic’ is very good…” God knows her knowledge of the film was limited to a sinking ship.
Spending three hours watching a ship sink and calling it “good” was indeed incomprehensible.
Tang Hua shook his head:
“No, you’ll cry if you watch that movie.” He remembered hearing from Zhong Cheng that when he went to see it with his fiancée, he ruined a suit jacket, being completely drenched in tears from beginning to end, a total water disaster.
“Can’t we?” she asked disappointedly.
He glanced at the movies showing in various theaters in the newspaper and finally decided: “Let’s watch ‘Flying Treasure’.”
“Xue Qian said it’s a movie for children,” although she had no concept of the film either.
“It’s suitable for you, it’ll make you happy.”
“Oh. Does that mean… you’ll accompany me?” she carefully confirmed.
He looked at her deeply and softly asked:
“Do you really want me to accompany you?”
She nodded eagerly, nodding many times to ensure he believed her.
“Finish your toast, I’m yours for the entire day.”
After absorbing this good news, Suo Suo obediently picked up her half-eaten toast and took a bite, then stared blankly as he stood up.
He walked to her side and lightly kissed her lips:
“We’ll leave in half an hour, I’ll go to the study to handle some matters first.”
She could only nod obediently. When a hot flush rose to her cheeks, she quickly lowered her head, not daring to look directly into his eyes…
