Love’s Serious Moment

In Xiaofeng’s memory, Grandpa’s face was easier to recall than her father’s. Grandpa was very thin and small. Because he was an adopted son, his body was not well-nourished from childhood and he worked long-term in the fields, so he was very thin. In comparison, Grandma was like a giant. Grandpa had many good friends. On rainy days when they couldn’t go to the fields, they would always come to visit. That day happened to be a day of continuous spring rain. The water in the sky seemed endless. Her older sister, who was already in primary school, told her that there were many waters hidden in the dark clouds, which was why it rained. Xiaofeng didn’t understand again: how could the water from dark clouds be colorless? Every time she poured water after washing dishes into the ditch, it was black. Why didn’t the dark clouds pour black water? Why did the white clouds release transparent water? She didn’t ask her older sister because every primary school older sister looked very impressive and proud, and she didn’t want to ask. When the continuous rain turned into a light drizzle, Grandpa’s friends came, and they stood outside chatting. Xiaofeng also tiptoed out with a broken bowl, squatting by the water-filled ditch and scooping water, some murky, some very clear, falling into a difficult problem. “Tian Brother, you’re so lucky, having five grandsons, what good fortune.” Grandpa’s old friend suddenly brought up this topic, and Xiaofeng’s attention immediately shifted, eyes wide open waiting for Grandpa’s answer. “Not at all, only two grandsons, the other three are granddaughters. If it weren’t for wanting to have one more boy, there would be three more useless girls. Alas, granddaughters are useless. Once grown, they’ll marry off. The only payback is bringing a piece of pork when visiting home.” At this moment, the toddler brother wobbled near Grandpa and was picked up: “My golden grandson.” The grandfather and grandson laughed together. Xiaofeng, squatting on the side, didn’t turn back, quietly looking at the water surface, also seeing her own reflection. She waved her hand, and the water splashed, her image below dispersing into ripples. So Grandpa liked to eat pork. This was Xiaofeng’s first conclusion. But why were girls useless? She thought about herself washing dishes every day, picking sweet potatoes in the fields, taking care of younger siblings, while her brother did nothing. How could one say girls were useless? Over by the threshing ground, as the rain stopped, children gathered to play cards, and her brother had already run over. If she was useless, what use was her brother? What use was her brother who only ate and slept? She stared blankly, unable to see how usefulness was determined. Afterwards, “male” became a naturally supreme privileged term in Xiaofeng’s understanding. From then on, she began to hate her identity as a “useless girl”. All she wanted was Grandpa’s wholehearted, joyful embrace. The color of rain was no longer important in her world of questions. She began to find ways to please adults, to hear them say she was obedient, she was good. But as a six-year-old child, in this world where adults were giants, she was just an insignificant dwarf, without a good brain to design ways to please others. She could only squat by the ditch, self-pityingly frowning at her unloved gender. “Xiaofeng, come boil water!” Mom was calling. Xiaofeng lazily didn’t move. Grandpa scolded from the side: “Hurry up! Lazy girl, you won’t get married in the future!” Xiaofeng flew towards the kitchen door. Marriage? What was that? Looking at her mother sweating in the kitchen, who had just returned from the fields, while her husband sat in the living room watching TV and chatting with cousins after similarly returning from farm work. “Quickly light the fire, your father wants to take a bath.” Mom brought out a fish, and the men in the living room immediately surrounded the dining table. Then the dirty, exhausted mom returned to cook a second dish. The portion was so large it could feed pigs. Marry into what? Xiaofeng cowered by the stove, feeling a chill. Thirteen people in the family, managed by an exhausted woman who also participated in farm work, working alongside the men. Were women useless? Were they deemed useless because of their prescribed busyness? Or were they called useless because they could only be busy in the kitchen? She leaned towards the stove door, blowing hard, choking on a head full of smoke.