Holding Er Yu’s hand, who had just learned to walk, in one hand, and a full shopping bag in the other, I stood waiting for the traffic light to change. Suddenly, a convertible passed by, and through the blur, I caught a glimpse of an Asian man’s profile, then his back, so similar. Could it be him? It was a laughable question… How I wish I could still fantasize, but I’ve lost all rights to that. I could only stand there, dazed, ignoring the changing light until Er Yu started to misbehave. Hua Hua called me neurotic, saying both Qi Yufeng and I were too stubborn. Yes, I don’t deny it; since we’ve dug ourselves in so deep, I don’t mind dying in this comfort. Haha.
On a sunny afternoon, Er Yu and I were at home having a karaoke session. Just as we were getting into it, a call came through. I stepped into the kitchen to take it, just some work-related matters. After hanging up, I opened the fridge to find some pudding to placate Er Yu, but then I heard a car, followed by the sound of an engine shutting off. Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat. I looked out the window, and there on the street in front of my door was parked that convertible, with that very person inside, turning my world upside down. I saw him, looking exhausted as he gazed at the door. For a moment, I thought he might get out, come over, open the door, and take Er Yu and me away, far away, to a place without memories, and say, “Xiao Xia, marry me…” Ha, that’s what they call meeting too late. But he just remained silent, leaning back in his seat, eyes tightly shut as if to imprison all his thoughts…
I stood quietly at the window watching him, surrounded by the innocent voices of children, a feeling of suffocation pressing down on us all. I didn’t know what he was thinking at that moment, but what did it have to do with me? I just needed to know that everything was my debt to him. In the end, he left. Listening to his engine start, I could only muster all my strength to watch him slowly drive out of sight, feeling weak and sliding down against the wall. I wanted to throw away the pudding in my hand and run after him, but even if I caught up, what then? Drive him away again? I’m a greedy woman; I want more, but I can’t afford his price. I’m already in too much debt…
There I sat, curled up in the corner, sinking into oblivion, with only the image of him leaving stored in my empty shell. After some time, I had to get up, put on a smile, and carry the pudding out. I’m not unaware of why he left. But why did he come back? I don’t know if he’s gone back. I want to see him but fear facing him, so these days I haven’t dared to step outside, afraid to see any car or silhouette that resembles his. Yet, reality loves to leave people at a loss.
Late at night, a series of frantic knocks woke me up, but beside me, the breathing was still steady… I never worry about any sudden events interrupting his sleep; he always sleeps through until he naturally wakes up. I got out of bed to open the door, still wondering which fool would knock without using the doorbell. As a stench of smoke and alcohol hit me, I saw Qi Yufeng. He paused, and I froze. For some reason, I didn’t back away but stared at him, laughing foolishly, mocking myself and him, two pitiful souls. I could only move towards him, softly calling, “Qi Yufeng, Qi Yufeng, Qi Yufeng…” His head rested on my shoulder, that once familiar voice, low and hoarse, lingering in my ears, “Don’t stop… don’t stop…” I had never seen him so childish, and I couldn’t help but laugh, but he tightened his grip, choking me, and before I blacked out, I shouted in his ear with all my might, “Damn it, Qi Yufeng, you’re going crazy with alcohol!” The violent shaking of my eardrums might have brought him back to his senses. He let go, his deep eyes unchanged, looking into them was like being back to the times he used to scare me, always teasing with a half-smile, “I can go even crazier…” But now, he said nothing…
Actually, everything has changed; I only hold onto the images of the past, with nothing left that I can salvage. Suddenly, I felt that getting drunk was a form of bliss, shedding all responsibilities, just to be irresponsible. When alcohol is only used to go crazy, what difference does it make whether you drink or not? I just want to go wild! What’s wrong with that? Damn it, why should a good person like me be so exhausted? Qi Yufeng, if you came, you deserve it! Your silence is your debt! Today, I’ll make you scream! Damn it!!
However, women sometimes just don’t know when to be content. One scream or two, what’s the difference? Why be so persistent? I only got up in the afternoon to shower and brush my teeth. When I came out of the bathroom, they were both awake. Er Yu, in his little pajamas, was staring at Qi Yufeng from the couch, accusingly saying, “Bare-naked, not shy.” “Ah… my dear, I’ve told you so many times to be polite, come, say hi to this man first.” My baby was so efficient, immediately squeezing out a smile to say hi to Qi Yufeng. But this man didn’t appreciate it and dared to pinch my child’s nose and cheeks, frowning, “Liu Yixia, did you pick up the wrong baby at the hospital? This thing looks like me? Look at this nose, this mouth, these eyes, these ears, so small!” “He’s just young! Do you have any culture?” “But his face is so big.” “That’s because he’s chubby! Can’t you see that?” “Hmm… you’re right.” Qi Yufeng nodded in agreement, but my poor child, after being pinched for so long, finally couldn’t help but stamp his feet and burst into tears, still arguing that he wasn’t fat.
That damned Qi Yufeng just left everything to me and went off to take a bath! I had no choice but to patiently comfort Er Yu, saying, “See, I told you that getting fat isn’t cool, but you wouldn’t believe it. Now, it’s up to you. If you want to look cool, help mom with the chores.” I knew this kid was efficient, and sure enough, he immediately shut up, glanced at the clothes scattered on the floor from last night, and quickly gathered them all up, running to the automatic washing machine. He stood on his tiptoes to put the clothes in, closed the lid, and pressed the button. Then, he dashed off to the room to fold the quilts… While feeling somewhat comforted, a problem suddenly struck me… He washed all of Qi Yufeng’s clothes. What will he wear later…
In a flash, Er Yu and I were on the beach. I sat to the side, watching him, in just his swim shorts, running around and playing with a boomerang. I couldn’t help but think of Qi Yufeng, who was still bathing at home. How long had I been ignoring him? It wasn’t until last night that I realized for the first time that my arms couldn’t fully embrace his shoulders, that there was a tiny black dot at the corner of his left eyebrow, and I touched his hair, noting the scent of his shampoo… How could such a carefree, privileged man seem so simple to me?
“Mommy, Mommy, uncle is here!” Er Yu struggled through the soft sand to reach me. Turning around, I indeed saw Qi Yufeng, with a towel around his waist, wearing my obviously ill-fitting slippers, walking towards us with an air of nonchalance. “How did you know we were here?” He squinted at the dazzling expanse of sand and sea. “You bought that little house for this place, didn’t you?” I was speechless… What a silly question…
