Because of the passionate emotion in her heart, she kissed him on the cheek, just as she would kiss her parents, and with a smile under his stunned gaze, she said: ”You’re as good as my mom and dad.” The light rain gradually turned into a heavy downpour, hindering their originally planned round trip that day. The mountain road at night was already difficult to drive on, let alone in the rainy night, where no amount of skill would make it safe to venture. So they stayed at a hotel in Shanlinxi. The mountain at night was much colder than during the day. After bathing, Xiao Susu immediately burrowed into the warm quilt, shivering from the cold air. ”I’m sorry, knowing you have trouble sleeping in unfamiliar places, yet unable to take you home to sleep. Don’t be afraid, I’ll be in the room next door. You can come find me if there’s a problem.” He looked at the time, which was her bedtime, walked to her bed to pull the covers over her, and was about to leave her bedroom. ”I—” am afraid! ”The light will stay on, don’t be afraid.” He turned back, sat on the edge of her bed, remembering it took her a month to get used to their newlywed bedroom. Leaving her in a strange place seemed like a death sentence. So he added, “Close your eyes, I’ll wait until you fall asleep before leaving.” She shook her head, looking nervously around the luxurious room, each unfamiliar piece of furniture making her tremble. Her gaze finally settled on him, the only familiar thing. Compared to this, her fear of him seemed insignificant. “Don’t… just thinking about you leaving makes me unable to close my eyes.” Tang Hua reached out to gently caress her face, feeling her clinging touch. ”I’m not your parents. Even though you’ve given me the same trust as your parents, I’m still a man unrelated to you by blood. Our only relationship is as husband and wife, which can only lead me to do things you might fear, not just pure protection.” Did he mean… if they slept in the same bed, he would definitely undress her and pin her down? ”But… but we’re divorced. I know divorced couples won’t… won’t be intimate anymore…” she stammered, stating the fact. ”We haven’t officially divorced yet.” His finger touched her pale lips. She shook her head, her voice slightly choked: ”You get angry, every time after we do that, you become so angry. Once you even slammed the door loudly. I don’t understand if this is what you want, why you become so scary afterward. I’m so afraid of your anger. Do you have to undress me to sleep together?” This was her long-standing doubt. The discomfort of intimacy was nothing compared to his terrifying anger. Why would he do it if he became so angry? So later, she thought separate bedrooms were their true liberation. She wouldn’t have to cry and pretend to be unwell to avoid such encounters. Each of their “first times” represented misfortune, continuing in a vicious cycle. He looked deeply at her tearful face. ”If, afterward, I won’t get angry, would everything become bearable?” he softly asked, holding his breath waiting for her response, his other hand secretly clenching into a fist beside her pillow. She looked at him, confused by his expectant look, his eyes suddenly bright, seeming to burn with two flames, causing her entire body to tense up. ”I think…” her mouth dry, she swallowed: “Probably, because only the first few times were truly painful. Afterward, it’s not really painful, just uncomfortable.” That’s enough! Suddenly, he lowered his head and kissed her deeply, promising in her wide-eyed gaze: “I’ll stay tonight.” ”Thank… you…” His expression changed, like on their wedding night, full of aggression. She swallowed again, feeling like a dish served to someone starving for three days and nights. He… he wanted…? ”Don’t be afraid of me, Susu… please don’t fear me…” He slipped under the covers, carefully holding her, his hands gently exploring inside her robe, slowly caressing her delicate body, careful not to use any force. ”You’ll get angry—” she murmured, her whole body trembling inexplicably. ”No, I promise not to tonight.” He kissed her. Their clothes gradually slid from the bed to the floor, the heavy male breathing filling the luxurious suite, soon joined by soft, delicate moans… A peculiar night, exploring a completely new experience. Outside, the cold wind and rain gradually subsided, stars quietly peeking out, casting a gentle silver light, bearing witness to this strange night. This night was indeed special. A couple married for seven years, with a child, and already signed for divorce, finally experiencing true wedding night intimacy. The nightmare from seven years ago was now officially distant. Tang Hua and Xiao Susu finally truly became a couple. A week had passed since returning from Shanlinxi. Like previous years, the transition between the new and old year was simply changing a calendar, with no sudden transformative events, everything normal, days passing as usual, day and night alternating as before. What changed was the mood. Xiao Susu often fell into deep thought, reflecting on her own changes, exploring the reasons, then letting her silent heart surface with self-loathing. Because each conclusion was the same: she had used Tang Hua. Seven years ago, she couldn’t accept Tang Hua because her parents were alive, providing her a sheltered, comfortable world. She could unscrupulously reject someone she deemed unimportant, immersing herself in self-pity and victimhood, unwilling to consider that his “bad” actions were actually good, and normal behavior of a husband towards his wife.
Now, she actually changed her opinion of him. After careful deliberation, the answer was unbearable because her parents had passed away, she suddenly lost her support and had nowhere to seek warmth and comfort. She had been lonely for many years, eagerly wanting to find another selfless dedication. Therefore, Tang Hua was accepted by her body because she wanted him to become her pillar and to regain the warmth she had lost for so long.
It must be like this; otherwise, how could she explain her absolute rejection seven years ago and her complete acceptance seven years later? In the past, she had completely regarded physical love as a path of fear, because even if it didn’t hurt, she could only lie stiffly and let him invade her body. Besides enduring, she had no other feelings. However, on that night at Sanlin Stream, she experienced a trembling passion, glimpsed the palace of desire, and under his guidance, her senses reached an almost unbearable tremor and explosion. This was a passion she never knew existed in the world.
Originally, she thought that physical intimacy among humans was unavoidable because it was necessary to create children. However, she was wrong. Obtaining children was not the primary reason for people to engage in such an act; otherwise, there would not be so many contraceptive devices in the market.
She felt ashamed. How was she different from her parents? In the past, her parents used Tang Hua to entrust her care, and now she was using and accepting him due to extreme loneliness. She was twenty-seven years old and had not left her parents’ ivory tower to seek another solid tower to nest in and live her own life comfortably. She did not have that idea, yet she was doing exactly that, which made her despise herself to the point of wanting to die.
She could not continue to use him. He had spent seven years for her. Would discovering his goodness now allow her to attempt to bind him with his kindness? No! She could not be so despicable. Moreover, as Feifan said, she should decide her own destiny, whether good or bad, and bear the consequences herself. If she falls, she can simply get up again. If an infant learning to walk always relies on others’ support, they will never learn to walk independently.
