Now I’m sitting on the school bench, thinking of the next second you might give me your smile that belongs only to me.
It’s still autumn, and the crystal photo frame carries a chilling coldness.
Now you’re smiling at me, but I’m crying.
My fingers trace your eyebrows, eyes, nose, and stubborn mouth corner.
This mouth never said he loved me. Equally stubborn, I could never win against you.
So let me say it.
I love you.
My dear, do you know? I really love you so much.
I thought I’d have enough time to say it to you.
Until you raise your beautiful eyebrows and say, nonsense!
The mirror is ice-cold. My fingers are stained with a cold temperature. Your hand, fair and slender, is always a little warmer than mine.
Whenever you held my fingers, your usually cold and clear eyes would suddenly become gentle. And this gentleness belongs only to me.
My dear, you left so quietly. Quiet friends thought you were just going on a trip. They asked me, where did you go? I said, heaven. You went to heaven.
They laughed easily. You’re so good at joking. I also laughed, until tears filled my face. I said, yes, yes, I’m joking. A life without you is a joke flowing with tears.
My dear, the day you left, the sky was full of clouds like cotton candy. I know we’ve always liked cotton candy. We loved to act cool, thinking it was just a kids’ thing. From now on, I’ll bring cotton candy to see you; feel free to mock me.
My dear, I know you love me. You would definitely say, fool. But this fool knows this fool loves this fool, not one bit less.
My dear, do you know this fool is also loved by others? They say I should have my own life. Are they right?
My dear,
Chinese people are fond of Meng Po’s soup. How does it taste? Will it be worse than what I cook? If you don’t like it, can you share some with me?
Perhaps, many years later, a handsome, cocky little boy will run over and say, “Hi! I seem to know you.” I’ll definitely be happy and cry like a fool.
My dear, I really love you. The ancient saying goes, love reaches its deepest point when it turns thin. My love for you has never diminished. From now on, I will try harder to love you.
Heaven has many beautiful angels. You cannot love them more than you love me because I can no longer love anyone else the way I loved you. So, it’s a deal! We’ll pinky promise.
You will surely say, “Childish!” So I admit, I am truly childish. I believe that one day you will come back, just as if you never left me.
That day, I met someone who looked just like you. The girl beside him was smiling so happily. I thought, when I was by your side, I must have once smiled just as happily. Thank you for making me so happy.
There is someone who can make me smile, although he often makes me angry. He says he will make me happy. Can I believe him?
If there is a next life, please allow me to love you as you loved me.
We must always go on, never separating even in death.
The first time I saw you, I was a short kid, and you were already dazzling next to Ji Ran, the golden couple of the school. With just one glance, I swore to be your sunshine.
I was insecure about my appearance. Although I passed by you countless times, your gaze never lingered on me; you only saw Ji Ran. But if he hurt you, I would do everything to protect you.
I wanted to quietly watch you, but a family upheaval forced me to leave temporarily. I don’t know how I mustered the courage to challenge Ji Ran.
On the rooftop, I never expected you to come. When you stood before me, my heart raced. I suddenly forgot why I was there. The world became quiet; you were in color, everything else was gray.
When Ji Ran kicked me and I fell, my fragile teenage self-esteem collapsed. I lay on the ground looking at you—you were so beautiful that day. When Ji Ran pulled you, I saw you turn to look at me, and your gaze filled me with confidence.
Just one glance; you had this kind of magic. People had dispersed.
But I lay on the ground until tears covered my face. That night, I stole your photo from the school display case, even though Ji Ran was in it.
My name is Song Chu. I love Yu Xiaoye. Shedding my Li surname, I suddenly began to grow tall. By the time I reached S School, I was called the campus heartthrob.
We were apart for exactly two years. You had changed a lot, no longer the cold girl. With your flaxen curly hair, you showed a woman’s charm and gentleness, becoming playful and quirky. I began to pursue you.
You neither rejected nor formally accepted me. We held hands and wandered the campus during free periods like any couple. Your hand was icy cold against my heart that felt so hot. Those were my happiest times.
But I noticed you had deep worries. I hated my sensitivity because it revealed your heart was not with me.
At the class reunion, I accidentally broke the crystal doll you often kept in your bag. You hit me and then left. In that moment, I saw the Yu Xiaoye from two years ago.
A drunk Nana told me everything. My heart ached knowing Ji Ran had hurt you so badly. What hurt me even more was that you still loved him.
Do you know, Yu Xiaoye? You have the ability to break my heart.
Ji Ran actually came back. You began to be distracted, losing composure.
I discovered that in front of you, I was the lowly, insecure Li Song Chu.
I lost… not to Ji Ran, but to his heart disease. If Ji Ran were healthy, would the ending of our story be different?
I began to avoid you because the happiness on your face hurt me deeply. I met Lin Yichen because she had eyes similar to yours, but you were not happy. Your face grew paler, your smile increasingly forced.
Ji Ran is dead, taking your love to a place I can never reach. I don’t even have the strength to hate him, because you loved him.
On the third day after Ji Ran’s departure, I went to your home to see you. You hugged me and cried, and watching your pain made me feel my own suffering. You chose to be strong, yet built a wall between us.
I swore to be your sun, to protect you no matter what. If Geng Yaoyang had not appeared, I don’t know when your heart would have opened.
Although you seem more like enemies with him, I can see happiness on your face. Perhaps only the pure-hearted Geng Yaoyang could do this. He is reckless, breaking open your cold heart.
You will never love me. Even if one day you love someone, that person will not be me.
This is the fact I finally understood after meeting Ruan Zheng, who was so similar to Ji Ran.
You depend on me, but will not love me. Just like you breathe every day, but never fall in love with oxygen. To you, I can only be some kind of existence. Is this not my tragedy?
You refused Geng Yaoyang and chose me. I am so happy. Holding your hand, sitting on the bench, looking at your beautiful profile, I hope time could stop right here so we could be together forever.
Lin Yichen’s appearance accelerated our separation. In her, I saw my own reflection. We are truly kindred spirits. Facing her feelings, I didn’t know how to respond. I could not refuse. At her place, I tasted the feeling of being loved, but that love was not from you.
What should come will eventually come. By the familiar bench, you tried hard to smile and say goodbye to me. Do you know? You asked if I had fallen in love with Lin Yichen. I want to tell you, I only love you, just as you loved Ji Ran. If loving Lin Yichen could be called love, then what I love is my own sorrow. I give you all the warmth, keeping the darkness for myself.
Geng Yaoyang came back. Although you still refuse, I believe you are not far from your own happiness. Little Demon, do you know? My greatest happiness is seeing you happy.
We held hands. I kissed your forehead. But do you know? I have a secret, a very sweet secret. Allow me to call you, Darling.
Because,
I once kissed your lips.
At that moment,
